As I had previously explained, in some place at some other time, I really had to leave society to get a grip on what it is. And those experiences have merit, at least if you can manage to adapt one's spiritual pursuits to the being of a car thief. But, I should explain. There is a dialectic one can create in order to separate him or herself from society without necessarily leaving it, that figure is the one which creates inspiration, it is the relative separation which comes from introspection. Yes I am behind everyone else I suppose in the 'real' world, my professional life and the one which I will be writing of is at least coming from that of a 26 year old. But if that is the cost, I will stay 26 as long as I can. What I mean to say is, I've barely completed my education so far and I have yet to really branch out into the world, but I have decided the best way to deal with what is. Mostly I have set out to learn, and here are a few of the lessons, from my experience dissociating myself from what others might call a normal society.
What follows are just a few of the many short stories from that time in life. I will post other kinds of things later, but I think these are just the stories to describe the appropriate amount of salience, in my thinking. I hope you enjoy this, world, it's probably worth it too.
---
So I notice interesting
things in nature.
***
Once
I was sitting with Cooper and I don’t really know who else was there visiting,
probably some friends, I seem to remember some girls from the neighborhood but,
sorry ladies I don’t remember which ones. There on the green couches which were
actually very comfortable and fuzzy, though lime green. Well the interesting
thing to take notice of is around that time I had finally discovered the place
where the woodlouse spiders were nesting. I was looking for a place to hide
something and there was a pullout for the drain system concealed behind some
paneling. I opened it and saw nothing but inhabited white silk, with the
critters minding their own business. I could almost make out the cap that
allowed a plumber to clean out the drain lines, they do that with a roto rooter
which is a motorized drain clearing cable, and this line from this point goes
straight out underneath the street out front. The spiders had built so much
there was no way to actually access the pipe from the panel in the wall there.
Well I couldn’t keep whatever contraband it was (I don’t remember) in that
compartment if it was a hotel for arachnids, so I closed it up. The next day
was the day I’m mentioning but I thought it was relevant to discuss the little
creatures and their happy home. Anyhow we’re sitting there and for some reason
I did look up to see almost preconsciously because I remember feeling that
sensation, but the spiders, had all gotten together and organized a little
arachnid commando raid. Cooper and I and the other people who were there were
suddenly under attack! All of the spiders small enough to spin from the
ceiling descended upon us in a group, in an organized fashion, at the same time.
Every spider landed on a person none of them missed. The girls were, well
hysterical. I wasn’t sure they saw it too either until they noticed and started
jumping about. I thought it was fantastic that these little critters had what
appeared to be a strategy! And after the chaos we all sort of checked with each
other to validate that this event actually happened, because it provided that
surreal sense that comes from an uncommon synchronicity.
***
What
I take from this, is just a realization that even though science and our tools
and technology cannot readily observe a creature and its thinking process
taking place, that doesn’t indicate that it’s not happening in these other
creatures. In science it is believed that skills that were developed through
the process of evolution became biological fixtures in our brains, until we
learned to combine these basic survival skills, used when manipulating the
environment, and when developing communication skills like empathy. After we
learned to combine them we learned to create an abstract representation of the
skills, what you or I might call thinking, about what we can do and remembering
previous results. It is believed that this complexity, of all these systems
combining and being created and represented, is the nature of thought. Other
creatures have had to compete to live as well and may have similarly complex
skills that evolved which may also have meta representation. You may not notice
the complexity of a spider, but every spider that you see is actually following
a trail, of data left by the scent of previous spiders or other critters. Data
that is very precise actually about the previous arachnid and its activities.
It’s very possible that this is a complex enough activity to indicate that spiders can think and perhaps
collectively. On a greater scope along this analogy I notice in the complexity
of critters and other living things while they are working together in
ecosystems as well. Like the dependant systems between honey bees and
wildflowers, the systems of mammals hunting and the systems of their prey’s
biological defenses. And as such each
living thing may be considered a kind of skill like the ones we evolved, that is,
it’s evolved to complete some task and communicate in nature and in the greater
scope that is the way of all things. I imagine there could have been some
cause for the spiders that day, perhaps they smelled something, but I like to
think of it as their attempt at attrition for disturbing their happy way of
life. I have to admit that woodlouse spiders look so much like the brown recluse
I had killed a number of them until I finally had decided they were too close
to the humidity and moisture to be the dangerous brown recluse.
It’s
interesting to note that experiences like these give me an appreciation for
life. I can identify with the creatures when observing things like this
experience written above. There’s really no basis for saying the other
creatures are thinking, other than I think other organisms might be
experiencing thought because of my level of empathy, I’m anthropomorphizing or
making them human in my worldview. On a more rational level all things do tend
to have some thing that they are accomplishing and having the knowledge to
rationalize and justify disturbing that way of life is difficult to do
responsibly.
On
a perfectly human level of course if something is likely to try and kill me I’m
going to try and kill it first, and I will probably succeed because I’m human
and given the advanced nature of humankind is well established as a predator.
But it results in a modification of the environment which I cannot predict. All
of the relevant variables interact in ways I am not aware of and there are
things I cannot detect with my senses or my technology. Also I have to think
about it. Because every day I am responsible for killing something, I usually
eat three meals a day. I try not to think about it.
But
perhaps we should be thinking about it. Here is a thought experiment: Imagine
for a moment all of the impact of every product that’s been associated with
your life since you were born. What would the objects look like all in one
place? Further, did the process of manufacturing or the money people get from
the sale and use of all of these objects cause any significant change? It may
be shocking to think of as an experiment, but I think this exercise can help
sort of establish a thought process, where you will identify what has happened
and what you feel ought to have happened with your resources.
It is not possible to track everything you are involved with, but hopefully
with some good intent and responsibility you can do what you want by being
aware. I believe it is becoming more important to know, what is happening this
way, and you might even be angry thinking of what happens in the economy of the
world just because you participate.
Similarly,
if we as people were to begin tampering with ecological systems (which you now
see we do regardless of intent) how could we know all of the variables and
effects resulting from the modification of just one organism or resource? I would recommend thinking about that
when it is necessary to kill something like a spider. Also I would recommend
thinking about the narrow scope of probabilities that exist so that you can
kill it. Like, is there even a shoe nearby and can you get to it before the bug
escapes? And like, how did the spider come to even be visible by you in a
location that bothers you? A hunter thinks of these things, when tracking
animals like a deer. What are the chances of a hunt being successful and
productive? Example, a deer has to be there to present itself and be of
appropriate sex and age, in the appropriate location to harvest, without
detecting the hunter who has to be able to attack the deer at close range
effectively. If the determining factors are so improbable in their alignment,
was the event (supposedly the killing of the deer) intended by some other system of complexity, a thought? It’s hard
to say, and preparing food is not about eating, it is about everything.
So, although the
spiders probably intended to accomplish something, woodlouse spiders are in
fact harmless and were simply brushed aside as we carried on with our day, well
with the exception of some screaming and giggling. Like so many other things,
which I thought about at the time, a spider’s intent was just noticed and
explains so much.
It reminds me of the
importance of something someone noticed one day, he was really just hiking
around with his friends smoking some pot. But he named the location they found
“The spider place.” He thought that probably because of the number of wolf
spiders inhabiting the tall grasses and leaves there which are their natural
home. That hiker was Gabe, and I heard of his passing not long ago, he died
very young like some others who were there in these stories. I wonder if the
spider had made any kind of indication to him, about his mortality, or the
intent of his being. I wonder that because I know something like naming a
location takes a lot of thought and interest, and I know he was watching the
spiders too, just like I was in this story.
---
A very certain
authority
***
I
was in the mountain town, just west of here at Chris’ house which was a really
nice log cabin type set up with a garage and a barn. And there, most everyone
had gathered around a 5.0l Ford Mustang, a late 80’s model with a sport
package. It was black with chrome and light grey pinstripes. The car simply
would not run, and I was under the hood looking for some kind of electrical
malfunction which I found in the form of a failed fusable link. I bridged the
link as an experiment. Chris was certain the vehicle would never run again, but
he started it and we devised a plan to get it out of the driveway and onto the
roads and highways in the mountain community. It was about one a.m. and I was
driving. I had a full car with Chris’s sister, Chris, one other person and
myself. The rest of the guys, Cooper and Tyson and Pierce piled into a small
Honda and were out to make their own rounds.
So
there I was it was early fall and I was on the highway going about 70 I suppose.
It was at an opportune moment when the windshield on the car fogged up and I
was not able to see. Chris immediately started rummaging for something to clear
the window, but it wasn’t working very well. I wasn’t certain where the road
was, and if there was any safe place to stop. Additionally I was afraid that
any erratic driving would get the car impounded and all of us put in jail. So I
did know that the oncoming tractor trailer was probably on his side of the
road, and the truck was well lit with marker lights. I could see that if I’m on
a path placing me to the right of the semi I would still be on the highway. Or
at least tell, if not see entirely. So a few tense moments pass as I’m simply
guessing at high speed the pavement that exists between our car and the tractor
trailer, and the distance begins to close. Chris finally figured out the
defroster at this point, but it was not working yet. I did not anticipate being
so close to the semi as we passed, and I knew we were because I could hear the
compressor on the tractors engine as we did. I remember hearing ‘whoa’ from one
of the girls in the car after we passed.
The windshield cleared at this point, and the bright new indicators on
the highway then became clearly visible. We were indeed in the lane on the
right side of the road.
So
having survived that experience the only thing to do was to drive around town.
When, as we passed through the municipal area of town, we saw Pierce’s car, and
all of the people in it, being questioned by police officers. Chris and I
devised a plan to rescue them. I would assess the situation by walking past the
patrolmen after parking the car slightly up the road, and Chris was going to
attempt to gain their attention by creating noise in the woods behind them. If
the police left he could get away and I could possibly fit in Pierce’s Honda. I
don’t know why we planned, really because there would be one minor misdemeanor
ticket for the boys in the Honda, while Chris and I were driving an
unregistered car with more people in it and various artifacts in their
possession. However, as I acted out my drunken stupor past the patrolmen I
could see the guys trying not to notice it was me, and I heard the patrolman
asking questions and the guys being generally noncompliant. Then of course it
sounded like someone was being assaulted in the woods behind where Chris was
staging his own drama, but the policemen were so certain that they had found
the right car that nothing else was going to be processed. I returned to the
mustang after I thanked the officer, and slurring intentionally, as I explained
my use of the pay phone there and I got back and proceeded to drive away. In
the unregistered car, that had just almost run into a semi.
***
Voltaire
on certainty: “Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.”
It
should be well established by now that I (the author) am (is) a humanist. So
where Voltaire writes this anyway I tend to agree. There are a lot of lessons
in this story, mostly what not to do I admit. However the most important is
certainty.
Doubt
is indeed not a pleasant condition at 65-70 MPH when one doubts where the road
is, but if I had required certainty on the highway a more dangerous or legally
consequential circumstance may have been presented. And certainly if the police
had reserved judgment that night they would have netted more offenses just by
questioning the other group of teenagers, which they were certain were not an
influencing factor. Their certainty occluded their pursuit here.
So
my favorite statement is often, “I doubt it.”. It’s actually pretty easy to be
certain that establishing an absolute standard of proof that defines what is
absolutely real, true, and correct; is not actually possible. People have many
systems in epistemology which is the system used to define knowledge. However
careening toward a semi there can be little doubt, that the experience is real
and, any other system can still be wrong. But I doubt it. Certainty of this
nature can occlude your spiritual pursuits, if you’ve already decided that you
know precisely what is right for you, you’re not likely to make any new
discoveries or definitions.
I would only say that, although you can judge
or define this story in any way, there are actually many ways that can be done.
As a carpenter might say, measure twice, cut once. Or, to me, take in as many
ways of understanding a given situation, person or object; as possible before
judging.
---
It’s
not supposed to fly…. Dork.
***
Expectations
are something that hinder a lot of processes. The very process of science is
creating a hypothesis which is in a way an expectation. But expectations will
occlude science if the expectation is held to a higher standard of proof than
the data reveals. A person cannot create data to suit a hypothesis and still do
meaningful work. Much like this, a person cannot create expectations in life
that will always be fulfilled the way she or he might think they are. I can
think of one exception, for the examination of life’s expectations.
It
had already been a crazy weekend. I had crashed my car once already getting to
a location in the mountains where chris was having a party. That experience
left Cooper dangling out of the passenger side door in my 1976 honda hatchback.
It had a five speed transmission and that was useful and all, but in the
related story my learning curve driving things with smaller transmissions
caused the accident. After a brief detour into a hardcore punk party trying to
find someone with a truck, we eventually pulled the car back off of the cliff before
wind, or water could cause it to roll the 500 feet or so to the bottom. After
that I was driving back down into town with Chase in the canyon. Chase and I
used to do time trials in this canyon. Anyhow having pulled the car off the
cliff had damaged the suspension. I think it’s peculiar to note that on the way
down we picked up a hitchhiker who worked for a racing company. After we
dropped him off my new suspension modifications caused a spin in the stretch at
the bottom of the canyon. I remember standing there having gotten out of the
car to look into the creek below, and wonder if it had been worth it. That was
the day following the events trying to get to Chris’ party. Anyway the car
started again I had stalled it correcting the loss of control. And Chase and I
got back underway. When I got home I realized my wallet was missing, the only
conclusion was that it was back up at Chris’ place. I drove up there again to
find out.
In
the meantime I should probably mention that I had done all of the work on this
car previous, I used to do “pre-flight” and idle checks before driving it,
something I learned from flying airplanes. At some point I had even set up a
shopping-cart slolam in a K-mart shopping center for driving practice. It was a
humble car, it was also a lot of fun. Without really knowing it, I had expected
that the car would perform under any circumstances.
So
back at Chris’ he’s talking to me and nobody had any idea where my wallet could
be, it must have been stolen. But we decided to go meet some friends at the top
of sharp’s ridge. We waited at the bottom of the road to smoke, and we were
actually sitting to the right of a stop sign at the main intersection with the
highway in the grass. A Patrolman arrived in a truck to check us out. “Well,” I
explained to the patrolman “I’d just had my wallet stolen, but I have my state
ID here in the ashtray.”. Why I chose to leave that ID in the car I may never
know. The officer read the number off of the ID and confirmed that it was also
a valid driver’s license number. He left. So Chris and I drive up the curvy
paved road, it’s marked with signs that indicate 15 M.P.H. and 10 M.P.H.
suggested speeds for all the oncoming curves. I didn’t think anything of it,
the road was also completely covered with gravel from a previous snowfall. We
pulled to the top of the residential area and waited. Chris’ friends arrived
with pot and we just thought that was wonderful, I didn’t really enjoy much
because we were contemplating how to get back down, to the bottom of sharp’s ridge.
Chris decided to ride with them, their vehicle wasn’t in as good a condition as
mine, or so I had thought. I remember I had to slow initially to put on my
safety belt, which was probably a good idea.
At
the top of the road I was approaching 65 M.P.H. and decided to downshift into
fourth gear for oncoming curves slowing to about 45 M.P.H. and one curve caught
me by surprise. I took third in the outside of that curve to have the torque
necessary to stay on the road in the curve and I was completely ignoring road
markings using the entire width of the road. The maneuver was successful, but
the car was no longer happy. Having rounded the curve there was the little red
Toyota ahead of me going all of about 20 M.P.H. and I just touched the brakes…
My suspension came apart, the car was now completely out of control and the
only way I could get it back was by, recalibrating where I thought the wheels
were turned. By the time I recovered control of the car which I was steering to
the left to go straight I assessed my situation, I was headed off of the road. I
turned the wheels all the way left and gave it all the throttle it had in
second gear. The car lurched, started to recover but I was still going to
crash. I looked at my options, There was a yucca plant in the way but
apparently some distance between trees in which I might be able to slow, if I
jumped off of the road. Thinking yucca plants don’t slow things down much I
opted for the controlled crash. It then occurred to me, that my Honda doesn’t
have wings. I had no expectations left my car had failed, but somehow after
landing from a considerable mid-air descent I missed all the trees. There was
what I thought to be a small rock in the way and then, a tree. I was going to
hit something, and I think the speedometer had gone back down to 40. The small
rock lodged itself into the car’s front sub-frame and the velocity of the car
turned it out of the ground. It turned out to be a very large boulder which I
was ripping out of the earth as it rolled down the hill with me. The resulting
resistance from the weight of the boulder stopped the car, and had lifted it
off the ground, almost precisely on the car’s lifting points. Ok, so everything
is ok but the car which is on top of a very large rock about a foot away from
any of three or four trees, one which it was bumper-to-bark with. I climbed out
of the window. Chris returned to see what happened, but they would not let me
get a ride with them to go to the safeway to use a payphone. Reluctantly, I
approached the house, which had a front yard that I just renovated, with a new
boulder.
***
What
I didn’t know, when I was doing all of the work on the car and checking the
belts before running it and doing run-ups like pre-flight for a small plane, is
that I was really doing pre-flight. The expectations that I had were not
realistic, but my actions were manifesting thought patterns that would later
cause this crash. What had really happened to the car in reality was the
left-rear suspension fork was damaged when it was pulled off of the cliff, and
the hard left curve on the third day popped the right halfshaft out of the
car’s transmission. But it was as though I had expected it all along. I can’t
really say any of these experiences were smart, but they were exciting, and maybe
my attitudes previous led to the catastrophe. So this in a way is what I think
about expectations, they influence your actions. And in all situations,
especially relationships, which are later in this writing, expectations are not
always certain. You see the real expectation is in doing and not in expecting.
That is where all actions come from and feelings, are the experience along the
way. What is truly real, about this experience is that the boulder was there and the situation was
happening with total synchronicity in
the course of my life. As this book may show you, how some of us survived is
just a matter of being at the right place at the only time, which is now.
---
These kinds of experiences are what helped to built the somewhat heretical epistemology, which I will describe in some detail, as time goes on.
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